Most of us as we start the new year are thinking of things we would like to change or improve in our lives? We don't necessarily want to think about suffering, but we know it is a part of life. As Christians, the bible talks about Jesus being made perfect through suffering(Hebrews 2)and also that suffering produces character (Romans 7).
However, as you probably are well aware, suffering can produce a lot of different experiences in our lives, it doesn't automatically bring about character. It can create discouragement or despair, fear or anxiety, it can cause us to shut down or give up. It can lead us to addictions or losing ourselves at work, relationships, etc. How do we get this much needed character?
I think it's important that we start with discovering what our "philosophy of suffering" is? For most of us, it's something like, "I hope I don't have too much of it in my life", or "If I do everything right, it shouldn't happen" or "I've been through so much, I should get a break now" or "my suffering is different than other people's suffering, it's too much or too hard or too traumatic, why me".
Once we figure out what our philosophy is we probably will have a good idea as to why it's not developing character in our life.
The philosophy that I have discovered and have to keep reminding myself of, is, that suffering is a part of life, it is going to come, in all different shapes and sizes, small and annoying, to big and difficult or painful. So, I need to have a way of handling it when it does come. One of the main ways I try to handle suffering and teach others to do the same, is thru the process of grieving losses. Whether it's the loss of a dream, a romance, the death of a loved one, an illness we are someone we love is experiencing, a crime or violation against us, or regrets of the past, learning to grieve is essential.
Grieving is unique to each person, how we move thru the different stages looks different, we just need to know what it looks like for us and identify the stage we are in, feel the emotions that go along with the stage we are in, identify the grief statement and then find a way to release the emotions and grief belief. Grieving is best done with a safe other, but can be experienced thru journaling. We need to receive comfort when we are grieving as well. The grief stages are Denial/Shock, Bargaining, Anger, Depression/Sadness and Acceptance. We can cycle thru them many times and not necessarily in order. My life is richer, as I go thru this process, because, I don't hang on unnecessarily to old losses for too long. Some suffering is ongoing (like a chronic illness, financial hardship, or a difficult person in our lives) and so I need to keep current with the grief process.
Let me give you an example from my own life. My husband and I determined that as we went through the infertility process that we would emotionally deal with whatever came our way, disappointment, celebration, waiting.... When we experienced two miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy, each time we found out we were pregnant we rejoiced and each time we lost a baby, we were deeply saddened. I would also journal each morning to keep up with the journey I was experiencing. One of the grief statements, I vividly remember connecting with that helped me come to a place of acceptance was "I will never hold this little one in my arms", I let myself feel that sadness and valued this experience, shared it with my husband and received his comfort and this helped me to keep moving forward. I truly believe that because I did this, it prepared me to continue the journey of trying to get pregnant and eventually have my two miracle children!
Many folks struggle feeling their emotions, they are afraid it will be too much or it that it is a sign of weakness. But, if we can look at our feelings as a constant flowing river that we don't want getting clogged up, than we can stay current with our feelings and they will flow right through us. They flow when we identify them, feel them and then release them either through validation or problem solving.
Grieving losses is one part of my philosophy of suffering. The other part is finding meaning in suffering. From a Christian worldview, I also believe that we are in the midst of a battle between good and evil. Evil tries to take us out of commission through our suffering. We have to battle against this, so that this doesn't happen. We are needed in this battle, so we need to let character be developed thru our suffering so that we can fulfill our purpose and role here on planet earth. When we have a bigger view of our suffering, this helps us find meaning in our suffering, it's not wasted, it not useless. It is so important to know that each of us has an important purpose and glory to their lives. To discover this meaning to our lives helps us live with joy even in the midst of our suffering.
The third and most important part is that God will come through for us. In the Bible, one of the names that describes God is Deliverer. Besides delivering us from sin and death which is amazing and huge, he also delivers us from hardship and difficulty. His timing is different from ours, but we can trust that he will deliver us. I love the visual Jesus gives us of when he and his disciples were caught in a storm and Jesus is asleep! The disciples wake him asking him, "don't you care if we drown?". Jesus gets up and calms the storm! He will calm our storms in life, too!
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