Why Are Relationships So Complicated?
Why do we feel so fantastic when we first enter into a friendship or romantic relationship. But, the longer we know someone and the closer we get to them, those good feelings go away. We all want to be loved and valued and feel like we can count on our closest friends and loved ones. Why does it get so complicated?
Because we all carry the underlying needs for closeness, once we get deeper into a relationship our expectations change. We, subconsciously, think, "if you love and value me....you will say ________________ (fill in the blank) and do _______________ (fill in the blank). For example, if you love and value me "you won't get impatient with me", "you will want to hear about my day even when you are tired". When my expectations aren't met or my button is pushed, I assume you have pulled your love away. Then I say or do something in response, a critical remark, or just get quiet and pull away. This causes you to feel unloved and then you do something in response and so the cycle goes. Typically we end up saying hurtful things to one another or pulling away from the relationship, then we argue about our reactions to one another instead of our original (underlying) need. We think we are talking about our needs and expectations, but we are really talking about our reactions to one another when a need is not met or an expectations is left unfulfilled.
So, how do we get out of this "crazy cycle"? Next time you are hurt by someone you care about, ask yourself the following questions. 1. What am I feeling; sad, mad, afraid or shame? 2. What is my expectation of the other person? 3. Is it reasonable and if so is there a valid reason why they can't meet this expectation? 4. What is my emotional need under the expectation; to be loved, valued, for the person to be there for me? 5. Do I feel safe sharing my expectation or need with this person? If not, why not. 6. How do I create a safe space to share my need or expectation with the other person? 7. Can I handle hearing no? Because meeting a need or expectation is not an entitlement, it is a free gift. 8. Does this person also have a need or expectation that they will want to share with me and how can I create safety for them to do so?
The above steps, help to uncomplicate things and it's called being vulnerable. Vulnerability is a sign of strength not weakness. It is courageous to be vulnerable, but we must make sure we have created safe place in the relationship first.
